Wait…What?
Raise of hands for those people pleasers out there? The ones who spend their days and nights thinking they can get into other people’s heads in order to “fix”, gain approval or understand what the *bleep* they need to do in order to feel fully loved and accepted.
Wow, that’s one heck of a heavy introduction isn’t it? But does it resonate with you? Like in a “fly on the wall of your mind” kind of way?
That’s because all of the above have been a huge energy drain on my entire life. Exhausting. Defeating. Disheartening. And just plain Unattainable.
I still have those moments, when my defenses are down, tired, distracted, stressed when those tormentors decide to make an appearance by catching me off guard and start to throw some downright nasty shame and shade my way.
So what can you do in order to get out of that mindset, that ever looping train of thought that thinks “if I just did, said, acted, gave,” this, that or whatever….I could be fully loved and accepted.
Truth is that the loop is not all wrong. The problem is, it’s focused on others’ approval and trying to get them to understand you. But what is sincerely needed and of the utmost importance, that will absolutely 100% change your life to be fully free, joy filled and deep breath inspiring, is turning that on its ear towards yourself.
The ONLY way to find complete freedom from pursuing the approval of others, is to seek the approval of yourself.
Let me repeat that a few times:
You need to give yourself approval in order to be free from the approval of others.
Or how about this way:
You are Free to give yourself complete permission to love and accept yourself exactly as you are.
One more variation:
Make yourself your main concern. Loving you is the foundation and key to your own happiness.
Let’s bring it around another way:
What others think of you, is…
None
Of
Your
Business
And? It doesn’t matter on any level what they think in order for you to live a fulfilled, carefree, purposeful life.
You may say: “ All well and good, but how?”
The first step is recognizing the problem and wanting to change.
No one can do this part for you.
Do you want to be free from the ever life draining effort of trying to please others? Do you want to love yourself and come to the place you know you are worthy of love and acceptance? Do you want to make the effort and choose a different way of believing?
If yes, then you are well on your way to creating that change within yourself.
Yep, it’s up to you.
You are free and have the power to change your life by changing your thoughts. Redirecting them as it were.
It isn’t enough to just think or say you will not “think something” anymore. Ever tried the exercise to Not think of a pink elephant?
A thought has to be replaced in order to take away its power. A new truth needs to be chosen. A new mindset has to be instilled and believed in.
And no, it’s not always as easy as that sounds. But where you start is choosing to see yourself through loving eyes. I often ask myself “would I say this to a friend?”
Those moments of trying to please others can be swapped for choosing to please yourself.
You are your worst critic but how about becoming your best friend?
What do you want to think about yourself?
How do you want to see yourself?
What do you value about yourself?
What things have you overcome?
Asking yourself these questions, not only redirects your attention and focus, it also gives you a foundation to build on.
Another exercise I have used is writing down the negative self-talk then beside it right a positive truth; the opposite often.
When you begin to pay attention to what is going on inside your head, it can be a little depressing.
Remind yourself :
Your Thoughts are NOT you. They are just thoughts, they do not define you, they do not even accurately represent you. And You have control over them.
Just another reminder here; this is about increasing your love for yourself and letting go of what others think of you. To take that a little farther…..
We typically don’t truly know what others think about us, unless they have told us. So, all thoughts we think others have about us, is purely judgement on our part; assumptions at best.
Let’s continue to address the Why of the importance of your thoughts and beliefs about yourself above anyone else’s.
This all takes intention and awareness. And it takes time.
Be kind to yourself in the process.
A few more tips to help.
To help with consistency, write down your intentional, self loving thoughts. Writing in cursive, morning and nite is incredibly powerful.
Speak them outloud to yourself in front of a mirror.
Quiet yourself, place your hand on your heart, close your eyes, repeat your loving intention in your mind. Use visualization if that helps.
Post notes around your mirror or directly on your mirror.
Use breathing in your favor. Breathe out the negative thought, breathe in your new self love thought.
The Importance of Saying “No”
We are gonna hit on this for a moment. People pleasers are notorious for saying “yes” to far too many requests.
Saying “no” is a skill we all need to embrace, learn and continue to hone.
A simple—I say simple but it isn’t always— rule of thumb is to remember when we say yes to one thing, we will be saying no to something else. And typically that no is something we value more than the person making the request.
Also, another tool to use before your immediate ingrained response of agreement, is to respond positively, but say you will need some time to think about it, go over your schedule or talk to your significant other or someone else helping you find “Your Inner No”.
Now, be prepared for pushback. People who have known you as the go to for all their needs and wants, will likely not like the new “no-ier” you. But you are strong, you are worth it and you give yourself permission to prioritize yourself.
Let’s touch on that a little.
Permission.
Often our need to please people was taught to us. Quite possibly it was a parent who patterned it or required it.
You were not given permission to say no. You may not even realize you are allowed to say no. It may be so much a part of your culture, you are not aware that there are many others who say no on a regular basis.
This is where you learn:
You can give yourself permission to say No. You are in control of you. You can put yourself first and learning how to do that is not just a luxury but a necessity for your overall well being.
People Pleasing on the surface from a simple perspective is not a bad thing. Isn’t it wonderful to bring a smile to others’ faces? To give of ourselves in order to meet a need or share in others joys and challenges. We are here to live in a community with healthy, respectful connection.
It’s when we put others first in order to gain approval or acceptance, sacrificing ourselves, our needs and our personal well being we fall into a dangerous, life draining pursuit.
When we get the balance right; when we prioritize honoring ourselves, giving becomes a life giving experience for both yourself and those you share your heart and life with.